When I first started paddling, I was told that if your gear all matched, you looked as if you bought it all at the same time, and were therefore a noob and a poser. My paddling skills have always made me look like a noob and a poser, but my gear has almost always been mismatched. Except for this one time when my boat and most of my gear had some kind of purple on it. Savage Fury boat, Lotus pfd, I forget the helmet company and watershoe brand… but I once wore and paddled in a color-coordinated fashion. It had to end. Nothing to do but buy new gear and trade the boat. And thus I got a black and aqua RPM, a red pfd, dug a non-purple helmet out of the closet (always a good idea), kept my greenish paddle with the red duct tape on it, and found a blue rashguard shirt that was very cheap.
Posts Tagged cravens
A friend of mine (who has won TWO pulitzer prizes- I’m so proud.) saw the original Hubris packages back when it was called ‘Because It’s There’, and put me in touch with an editor at the L.A. Times. Said editor was trying out the idea of an outdoor-lifestyle cartoon in his section of the paper. It didn’t pan out, but I submitted some cartoons I still kinda like. Here’s one:
I liked this one because the color was all swiped from scans and random photography. I like the feel it gives. The cotton ticking hospital gown, for instance, was scanned from a couch cushion. Fun.
From the bottom of the tracks again, I started up what I will call the Right Hand Wall. There wasn’t anything you would call a footpath along this wall, but there was uneven rock that had split away in the past, leaving “shelves” or “extended ledges” or some other word that people who hike and climb a lot would know. You can probably picture it- scrambling and inching and climbing and backing up and advancing up and along a rock wall.
Then, every so often, there’s another level-ish place to stand out in the middle of the crack. After all, workers had had to scramble all over this place when they were installing this incline train, dirty broken useless thing that it was. There were pylons holding up I-beams and cables and wheels and stuff making up the track. While all this stuff was being built, I imagine guys were up and down this crack all the time like billy goats, right?
So every few yards, I could step out onto a broader place, catch my breath and look up at the next obstacle.
The next obstacle I now saw was a boulder, just over head height. By grabbing the top and planting my feet on other protrusions, I could belly up and onto this thing. I thought. When I tried it, I found myself going face first into what we in the South call ‘Sticker Bushes’. There is, no doubt, some gratifyingly fancy scientific name that’s in Latin (A dead language, I’d like to point out) for this vicious plant, but I don’t know what it is, and don’t need it. I have said “Sticker Bush” and I bet that whatever that conjures up in your mind is precisely what I needed to conjure. It was a big, rolling, healthy, full, green bush. Full of thorns, or as Southern vernacular so aptly call them, “Stickers”.
Face first, as I say. So I tried some workarounds. The boulder just wasn’t that daunting, and the Right Hand Wall was getting particularly nerve wracking, so it seemed like there had to be a wall to roll sideways onto the boulder or inch up onto it or something that didn’t involve possible eye injury.
But let me tell you, that bush had no courtesy. It used up all the space available to it. I mean, seriously, what if a little bunny rabbit had wanted to burrow at the base of it? That’s a cute environmentally friendly thing, right? No, this bush wanted only blinded bunnies with scars living near it. It didn’t want anything larger than an insect burrowing in its grounds. So there. So no rabbit-sized space for me to aim my face into. Considering my clothes, I could have rammed my helmet into said bunny-sized space, but no.
So after trying a few options (there are always options… ever-narrowing, worse and worse, options) I was stuck with what my best choice could be. The left wall looked impossible, the boulder was getting frustratingly out of bounds, and the Right Hand Wall was looking better. All things being relative “Better” still wasn’t “Good”, but meant, “Better than standing here starving and dying of thirst.”
I peeked up over the boulder. I hadn’t covered nearly as much ground as I’d hoped. Frankly I was still very much in the bottom third, if not the bottom fourth of the slot. And day was getting on. I didn’t know how much of the run on the river was left for my friends, but if I kept getting delayed, they might come to the parking lot above before I did. If they didn’t find me there, would they assume I’d gotten a ride out an hour ago and head themselves for the campground?
Flustered, hot, thirsty, baffled, losing time, and now starting to see scenarios in which I don’t get out of here before nightfall, I start looking at the other option which has always been there, but I’ve been avoiding.
I could wrangle my way up one of the pylons I mentioned earlier, do a tightrope walk out along an I-beam to the train tracks that were fifteen or twenty feet above my head, and start climbing the ladder up the tracks themselves.
Oh, man. When I tell you that THAT was starting to look like the best option… what does that say?
Man, I hate it when my stuff gets hard to replace. That seems to be a common theme in my gear reviews, but damn. I’ve been like that since I was a kid. I like MY stuff. When you get older and you see your stuff wearing out, it seems like it’ll be fun to get a NEW one.
In this instance, I need new wristguards. Skating and Riding Unicycles (think about it, if you don’t already ride unicycles- you wanna bust a wrist? Easily done, riding a one-wheeler down some dirt trail somewhere.) I’ve been wearing some old Harbinger wrist guards.
Harbinger wrist guards are really, really nice. They have this long, faux-leather wristwrap strap that secures the glove and the plastic splint (curved very neatly to fit your slightly bowed wrist) The gloves are solidly made, and look, feel and work well after they’re broken in.
When I say “broken in”, I mean you’ve stained them with those creepy white streaks that form when you’ve sweated them through dozens of times, and you’ve fallen enough that the gloves look slightly chewed.
Mine are no longer slightly chewed. They’re actually chewed. My new dog, who now chews on NOTHING he hasn’t been specifically given to chew on, chewed on these. The gloves never had fingers in them, but now they don’t even have all the nubby little sleeves that you’re fingers stick out of.
Y’know what? They’re still really good, and I still ride with them, but I looked on their desecration as a good excuse to get NEW ones. Yay for me, right?
Except, of course, they quit making them. I went to http://www.harbingerfitness.com/ looking for the wristguards in amongst their fine looking workout gloves and they weren’t there. After a couple of searches, I started to think the worst. The worst being the Truth.
I returned to the site where I bought my wristguards in the first place. Here’s what they have now. http://www.unicycle.com/safety-gear/hillbilly-half-finger-gloves-3.html/
This product review SHOULD be about these ‘HillBilly’ gloves, but I haven’t ordered them yet. The price is better than I remember the Harbingers being (which worries me a little) but the design seems to be pretty darned similar.
So this product review is about yet another bit of gear I miss. Harbinger wristguards. Another product I wish I’d laid in a lifetime supply of when I first realized how much I liked them.
If I need workout gloves, and I have the extra buck to put into something I know I’m going to like, I’ll go to Harbinger. Except I don’t work out THAT hard. Those gloves look like they’re for guys who start conversations with “Whattaya Bench?” Guess maybe I’ll become a Hillbilly and see if those gloves are something that, ten years from now, I wish they still made.
Remember when the television censors finally caved in and let the word ‘ass’ on reg’lar television? Suddenly it was like every character on tv was organizing every exchange to culminate in the word ‘ass’. The writers were having a field day both fitting ‘ass’ in cleverly designed gags and just tossing it in whenever it felt ‘right’ or ‘real’ or whatever.
The censors were bowing to Cable, where everyone could already say ‘ass’ of course, and anything else they want to say. I had the HBO series ‘Deadwood’ soundtrack a while back, and I couldn’t play it if there was a chance that the kids were anywhere around. There were lots of words that it’s not my job to teach them, since I’m trying to teach them to speak as though they have an education.
I’ve addressed the larger phenomena in my syndicated strip ‘The Buckets’. Frank the grandpa explains in one Sunday cartoon that when he was a boy, there was no real incentive to stay a kid- you WANTED to grow up because all the movies and most of the TV shows and all the good stuff in the stores were for adults. Now, of course, it seems like everything is geared if not for kids, then for adults who want to have all the same great stuff they were sold as kids. Kids get all the best stuff, and so there’s no incentive to want to be an adult, or in common parlance, “to get boring.” So now there are cartoons just for adults with language that used to be associated with sailors who had a third grade education and hadn’t been in the company of a non-professional woman for months. Tricky to explain to your kids that ‘Ugly Americans’ is a cartoon show they’re not allowed to watch, even when the commercial shows one character ordering another character to poop in front of him. Kids’ll tell ya, that %$#@s hiLARious.
The newspaper comics are still mostly under fifty-year old restrictions about what you can and can’t say. Widow Churchchoir down the street can surely kick up a ruckus in the newspaper editor’s office if she complains about the language in a comic strip these days. I’m thinking the widow doesn’t have cable.
Comics on the web are different. Many have been accused of being nothing but a series of fart and dick jokes. Early on, that might have been more true. Or maybe even now- amongst the sorts of comics that the younger crowds are doodling and reading. I tend toward the slicker, more carefully written and drawn material. It’s full of the same kinds of exchanges that current cable TV is full of, though. ‘Issues’. Gay and lesbian characters, relationship angst, bathroom humor, guys and girls, … ‘Real’ stuff, to be sure. As real as the kinds of jokes that people used to trade in private but you’d never hear from the cardboard lips of the contrived characters on TV before ‘ass’ was allowed.
So I wonder where Hubris is going. It’s up to me, but it’s not. So far, the gentle humor in the Hubris comic strips is the sort of indirect wording and situation from P.G. Wodehouse stories. Bertie Wooster might call a rival an “Excrescence”, but he’d NEVER call him a “shithead.” That kind of thing. Soon though, I’m going to run out of gentle humor strips written for the newspapers and the new material will flow. I’m old enough to want the Sociological Pendulum to go ahead and swing back toward educated, sophisticated humor- oblique stuff where you can refer to someone as a ‘Son of a Bachelor’ and it’ll be cute. That, instead of saying “Yo mama a whore” and throwing a laughtrack of rough hoots and howls over it. The latter ain’t funny, it’s designed to make you laugh, but not to think while you’re at it.
Anyhow, stick with me, and tell your friends about Hubris. We’ll all have to wait and see if and when it’ll be funny for Hubris to say “ass.”




















