I’ve said in the past that I would try not to degenerate into crotch-area humor. But this is a product review, not a cartoon.
The subject of The Camp Shuffle comes up on long outdoors trips. Going down the Grand Canyon for a couple of weeks, say. Or taking your kids to Scout Camp. They warn the kids and warn them good, but you know somebody in the group will neglect to take proper showers or change his underwear or not take the proper precautions in the sweaty days of Summer camp.
I feel bad for them. Because I’ve gotten the Camp Shuffle. I’ve staggered along like the crippled sidekick in an old Western, wishing I could quit the hike, go back to camp and let my tenders heal. It happened this past June. I was miserable. I could have been MORE miserable, but another scout leader told a funny story about a buddy of his that got the Camp Shuffle. The guy had gotten some powder, figuring that would fix it all up. But, the story went, he bought MENTHOLATED powder. Everyone laughed, and I felt better. My drawers were uncomfortable in the extreme, but at least I hadn’t dropped menthol down in ’em. Ha. Hilarious.
This gave me a good idea, though. While the scouts were being taught or tested or whatever the heck during their Camp class, I’d step over to the trading post and see if they had anything for Camp Shuffle. I figured that if it was standard practice to lecture the kids about it during our first few moments at camp, surely the trading post would keep powder or something on hand. And they DID. They had two different kinds of Gold Bond powder. Regular, of which they had a dozen containers, and Extra Strength, of which they had two containers.
It hadn’t been that long since I’d heard the story about the idiot who dropped Menthol down his pants, so I looked over both bottles carefully. ‘Extra Strength’, the one bottle said. ‘Healing’, it said. ‘Triple Action Relief’ it said. ‘Cooling, Absorbing, Itch Relieving’ so far so good, and I’d exhausted the front of the bottle. No mention of ‘Mentholated’. The directions on the back say, ‘Apply freely up to 3 or 4 times a day’. It also says, under ‘Uses’: temporarily relieves the pain and itch associated with: minor cuts, sunburn, insect bites, scrapes, prickly heat (!) minor burns, rashes (also “!”) and minor skin irritations. The ‘Warnings’ say it’s for external use only (good. I had no plans to eat it.) and to keep it out of my eyes. (also, no problems. I’ve never powdered my eyes and couldn’t see a reason to start.) There was some ‘ingredients’ list at the bottom. It didn’t mention ‘menthol’, though it did say ‘methyl salicylate’, which worried me since I had no earthly idea what the heck it might be or if I wanted it on my tenders. But I figured that there were only a few ‘Extra Strength’ bottles left because that was the kind everyone bought. And I bought the Extra Strength.
Then I went to the car. It was very close and mostly, no one goes to the parking lot during the day, so the lot was empty. I opened both doors on one side, stepped between them, and discreetly medicated my nether regions.
Which is to say I set my own crotch on fire.
Fire. fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire!
While I am trying to hold still and wondering if I should, maybe, run around or call for help or die or something, my son comes up from the trading post. He said… something that didn’t have to do with testicle fires, so I don’t recall what it might have been.
Nerve endings, says my wife who was a burn nurse for many years, die. They burn up and the victims of fires no longer feel the pain- not until they begin to heal, that is. I decided, while standing there sweating, panting, gasping and trying to answer my son (I thought, I’ll tell him I’m okay. Everything’s okay and I love him very much. Those would be good last words.) that I would just wait until there was enough nerve damage that I could get on with the day.
Finally, things changed. The fire didn’t go out, you understand, it just started oscillations between nuclear fire and nuclear winter.
fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice fire ice
I had never thought that I’d be happy to have my gonads light up and freeze over and over again, but I assumed that any change in blinding furious pain was a good thing. Maybe someday I could live like normal people again, and this was the beginning of it.
•••••
Okay, that was about as funny as this story gets. Eventually, the pain turned into a confused discomfort that I was able to see through and deal with. It was probably only a couple of minutes that I had flop sweat, agonizing fire and ice and a sincere concern that I had crippled myself to the point of needing hospitalization. It seemed like longer, but you know how that is.
I finished the day and got back to our campsite. Another Den Leader with us had Johnson and Johnson’s Baby Powder. I used it that night and the next day, and didn’t have another minute’s discomfort.
So here’s the conclusion: If you have Camp Shuffle DO NOT put Gold Bond Extra Strength powder in your shorts. Even if you DO NOT have Camp Shuffle, do not put Gold Bond Extra Strength powder in your shorts. If you have a bitter, bitter enemy for whom you have nothing but a seething hell-born hate, and you find that you have an opportunity to put Gold Bond Extra Strength powder in his shorts, DO NOT do it. It’s and evil thing to do, and you’re not that evil. No one is that evil.
You have some poison ivy rash on your arm or leg? It’s itching like crazy? Use Gold Bond Extra Strength powder. Use it. It’s fine. It feels good. It even smells kinda nice. Need something on your pits before you go out on a long hike? Go for the powder. Back of your neck a little sunburnt? Use it according to instructions. It’s good stuff.
But DO NOT put it on your genitals. Ever. Under any circumstances.
Last thing- I must have been in a desperate hurry to get relief. The label on the back of the bottle? Yeah, at the bottom there’s those ingredients listed? They’re ‘Inactive’ ingredients. Up at the top, Right under ‘Drug Facts’? THERE’s the ‘Active Ingredients’ and the first thing listed is ‘Menthol’ 0.8%. You might want reading glasses to see it, but it’s there. Oh, it’s there, my friends. On the label and in the bottle. It’s THERE.
On an only semi-related note… in this video they are using the non-mentholated Gold Bond:
By the way, THIS is the stuff I’m using next trip. Mostly cause ‘MonkeyButt’ is just too funny not to have on some kind of packaging around here. Click on the bottle if you’d like to buy some too:
My deepest sympathies to you sir.
I too have suffered the BURN.
In the Army we called it ‘ Crotch Rot ‘
You may need to include a definition of Camp Shuffle, as teh Google doesn’t seem to have any idea what you’re on about. Jock itch perhaps?
Don’t ask how I know this, but tea tree oil is another substance NEVER to be introduced to one’s genitals, no matter how many people tell you how amazing it is to treat rashes on less important skin surfaces.
Again, I won’t reveal my sources, but it’s so frickin’ strong that a layer of skin will peel off in about a day. This, I’d imagine, is the testicular equivalent of a racing driver shedding his accelerant-laced nomex suit after his car’s unfortunate encounter with an unsympathetic wall.
Google aside, you sound like you got the general gist of The Camp Shuffle. And Ed got it exactly right. And while I will make no claims that Hubris readers are all smart, literate, charming and well informed, I will trust you guys to work out what The Camp Shuffle is. And not to put Menthol on any body part that exhibits it.
I have another story about not putting things on one’s private areas that probably involves tea tree oil, but I’ll have to read a label before I get to it. I will, also, trust your word when you say not to go slatherin’ it on nothing I wanna keep skinned.
Thanks! I’m glad you guys take the time to comment!!
G
Gauded…lol, makes you walk like a rodeo cowboy!!!!!
That was AFTER. During the Ordeal, I didn’t walk like anything at all. I may have left finger dents in the truck doors, though.
gaulded
raw, sweaty crotch or balls.
Boy was that mile jog tough, I am gaulded.
I used the thigh-master last night, and I am gaulded!
I cover my junk in extra strength gold bond every morning and evening, as well as before I workout(or go to work, which is a workout in and of itself). It’s like taking your balls on an Alaskan cruise in January.
I personally prefer it to coffee for a good wake up.
Another reason why I think very few women actually have penis envy.
Am I being foolish to avoid ‘nad humor? This post has generated more comments here and on Facebook than pretty much any other thing I’ve written or drawn.
Bret had a similar experience. His buddy’s grandad is a pharmacist in Memphis and makes “Champion’s Famous Envigorating” peppermint soap. The buddy gave us a few bars and Bret decided to use it in the shower like any other soap. He squealed like a stuck pig! He told the buddy that the label should clearly say “Do NOT wash your nuts with this soap!” 😛
Clearly, he needs to write a product review to run here on Hubris.
While this is way too late to help, the absolute best product both to prevent and cure this is Zeasorb AF Powder. Nowadays they’ve relabeled it as “Zeasorb Antifungal Treatment for Jock Itch” and an apparently identical-but-for-label “Zeasorb Antifungal Treatment for Athlete’s Foot”.
Don’t get “Zeasorb Prevention” – it’s an unrelated product that isn’t up to the rigors of Camp Shuffle.